When I was a little kid, I LOVED attending weddings with my family, especially the Indian weddings. All the colorful and fancy clothing, seeing family or friends that I didn’t often see, helping with getting things ready, getting henna, & DANCING! As I got older, I’d prepare dances with my sister or with friends, gossip about what everyone was wearing, eat all the food that normally wasn’t made at home, wonder about the couple and how they met and dated and broke the news to their parents, and learn what traditions were done and how things were different from a previous wedding. Weddings were not super formal in that the ceremonies were usually long, so guests would often get up and move around, kids were always running around, teenagers were grouped together in a corner giggling or rolling their eyes, a few aunties were always running around making themselves busy, a few uncles standing outside the hall discussing politics - there was always chaos and that was part of the fun.

For this reason I always felt it was the norm to include kids at a wedding.  I also felt weddings were important events to learn about the cultural traditions and food - I would really love it when there were non-Indian people, as I’d love showing them and telling them about all the different traditions and watch their reactions to foods. I would never miss going to a wedding, regardless of whether or not I knew the couple - if I knew at least one friend going, I was going. If I didn’t have any friends going, my mom would lie and tell me my friends were going, and I’d end up sitting in a corner annoyed.

Once I graduated college, started working and socializing more with non-Indians, I realized not going to a wedding was an okay thing. People talked about invitations they’d gotten even from family members (who they didn’t know well) - that they were surprised about, or that they declined. I was dumbfounded. But then slowly it began to make sense. Weddings are expensive events for the couple getting married, and can be for the guests as well if you have to travel, get a dress, get a sitter, etc. There are family members that are not as close as others. As an adult I began to decline invitations from those people I didn’t know well, I declined when I didn’t get my own invitation but my name was written in on my parents invite. I declined when my parents would randomly tell me to come to someone’s wedding saying they called and wondered if I was coming, I declined when I get a last-minute “courtesy” invite 2 weeks before the wedding, I declined if they were parent’s friends kids that I had not stayed in touch with over the years. It comes down to just feeling uncomfortable as an adult being present at a wedding where the couple doesn’t know me well, and I don’t know them well.

Now, back to the issue of kids. As marriages happen later in life, some friends may already have 2-4 kids. In my household, all the siblings have kids, many of our friends & cousins have 2-4 kids. If we could invite everyone we would, but if for a guest list of 400, 150 are kids that you have little to no relationship with, you feel a strain not only financially, but you might also think - we can’t invite so and so, because we are inviting so many kids. We are limited by venue size, pricing, and maybe our own desire to have a more formal or cocktail event that wouldn’t be hindered by a large amount of children.

In India, and in many other places, you can have a huge outdoor wedding where you aren’t limited by fire codes, people will sit on a blanket/rug on the floor or on the grass for events, you aren’t paying for each individual chair, food might be extremely inexpensive and there are aunts and uncles and grandparents to keep kids entertained and inline. Here in the US, things are not the same, and we have to decide who and what is most important to us, rather than feel guilty about not being able to provide something for everyone.

Here are some ideas for tactfully not inviting 150 kids and/or handling a good amount of kids...mix and match according to what works best for your particular group. Every couple has to make decisions that best suit their situation, and realize that that their decision may make a few people upset, complain, etc. You cannot please everyone, but the important things is to be tactful, understanding, and kind.

1. Address the invite to the couple and allow an RSVP for the couple only.

2. Include immediate family only - if you and your partner have kids or younger siblings.

3. Include family only - important if you have a close family, maybe include those friends that you consider family whose kids you know well.

4. Include out-of-town guests. Often out-of-town guests you are inviting are close friends, and depending on their situation and proximity it may be easier to bring all the family.

5. Set age limits - if you are having a more formal event, you may not want to have any out-of-control toddlers present. I would say if you were doing this, I would make an exception for brand new parents who may be uncomfortable leaving a newborn.

6. If budget isn’t an issue but venue space/formality is - maybe have a separate room at the hotel or venue set aside with a few caretakers/kids activities and pizza.

7. If you still have a good number of kids coming - have a kids activity table or coloring sheets, something to keep them busy

8. Adult children of close friends - invite those you are connected to, not those you feel obligated to.

9. If you have a less formal event, a henna party, or other pre-wedding function where you might be inviting less people or you might have less restrictions, have kids be invited to that.

It is not an easy decision to exclude some or all kids at a wedding when you have a culture where weddings are full family affairs, where random family members of your friends might show up, and a goal is to feed everyone and make everyone feel welcome, but times change and traditions have to change accordingly. You have to look at what works best for you as a couple, who is most important for you to consider, what is going to make your day meaningful and less stressful to you, and what works for you and your budget.