Interfaith and Multicultural Ceremonies (3 of 3)

Parental input

For most weddings, parents always have something to say. This is usually amplified with cultural weddings, where even random guests want to tell you what to do before the wedding. If any set of parents, or all, are paying for the majority of the wedding, I’d say include their input on what things are most important to them, AND know their budget and what they are or are not willing to spend on. If the couple is paying for the majority of the wedding, I’d say asking is a courtesy you might or might not make, and include parents’ ideas or input where you see fit. Do have these discussions before you meet with vendors so you have an idea of your budget and how you want to structure the occasion. That way you can make it very clear when you meet with vendors which party has the final say in decisions (who is signing the check). This will allow for less confusion and clashes. If you have the rare parent(s) who say you are making the decisions and that they will sign the check regardless, vendors will typically have an additional sign off or form for this.

When you both come from families with strong belief systems and/or cultural practices, it is important that as a couple you are prepared and knowledgeable about the traditions you each want to incorporate and the ones you do not, so you don’t unintentionally end up pulling your families into an argument or discussion that is best had between the two of you.

How to deal with negativity

Unfortunately for many, a multicultural or interfaith ceremony may result in some family not accepting your decision to marry and some may be very much against it. First, invest in counseling and premarital counseling. I feel this is a great process to go through that is emphasized in certain traditions. Counseling will help you come to terms and feel confident about your decision to marry regardless of your family’s opinions and it will help you deal with the sadness of your union not being accepted and/or your family not being present to support you. Counseling may also give you the tools needed to discuss this with your family in a reasonable manner. There are many culturally-specific counselors who will have an understanding of your background and the layers of pressures and expectations at play.  Discussions with a faith-leader in your community may be helpful as well.

For some, it isn’t your choice in partner, but the decisions you make about your wedding that elicit negative responses along the way! Make sure you involve friends/family whose opinion you trust, who understand your style/vision, and can help you stay on budget. This might be a friend, a sibling, a parent, your partner, and/or your wedding planner - a good planner is often able to navigate tense situations, help give you solid advice, and keep the negativity at bay. Also giving your family and/or wedding party options or selections for certain things often makes a huge difference - as they get to be involved and get to make a choice that they like best and are comfortable with.

At first I was planning on sending John’s family a fabric I had selected, and gave them a choice of navy or teal - they chose teal! Eventually I realized I really shouldn’t be telling them what to wear - and my SIL took the lead in coordinating these fabulous outfits that were perfectly stunning and suited to their tastes.